4 Ways to Give Siblings a Voice
When you’re raising children with and without disabilities, it’s easy for siblings to feel like they’re watching from the sidelines. Medical appointments, therapy schedules, and accessibility needs often drive family decisions, and understandably so. But what about the voices of your other children?
Experts consistently recommend giving siblings a sense of control and involvement in family decisions. It sounds great in theory, but what does it actually look like in your daily life? We’ve put together five practical strategies to help you collaborate with your children, so they feel heard, valued, and empowered rather than isolated or powerless.
1. Offer Meaningful Choices
Every family member has opinions, but in households with medical complexity or disability, those opinions can become especially charged. Sometimes the disability itself removes certain options entirely due to barriers or specific needs. When you know that asking an open-ended question might lead to disappointment or conflict, it’s time to get strategic.
Instead of asking “Where should we go to dinner?” try offering two acceptable choices. This gives your child agency while keeping things manageable for the whole family.
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- Restaurants: “Would you rather go to the gluten-free pizza place or the Thai restaurant that has safe options for your sister?”
- Outings: “We’re going to an accessible park this weekend. Would you prefer the one with the zip line or the one with the splash pad?”
- Consequences: “You need to help out more around the house. Would you rather be responsible for dishes or vacuuming?”
- Activities: “We have time for one activity before therapy. Do you want to play a board game or watch an episode of your show?”
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The key is that both options work for your family’s needs, but your child gets the final say. This small shift can make them feel like a valued decision-maker rather than someone who just has to go along with everything.
2. Practice Problem Solving
When siblings voice complaints about house rules, food choices, or available activities, it’s tempting to shut down the conversation or get defensive. But these moments are actually opportunities for collaboration. Playful problem-solving acknowledges their concerns while maintaining a light and creative mood.
Here are a few ideas:
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- Tidying races: “Let’s see if you can pick up all the toys before this song ends!”
- Laundry basketball: Turn the hamper into a hoop and award points for successful shots
- Character role-play: “Pretend you’re a restaurant chef. What meals could you create that everyone in the family can eat?”
- Would you rather game: Make it silly and fun, but sneak in real choices about family activities or priorities
When kids feel like they’re playing rather than being lectured or dismissed, they’re more likely to engage with solutions. You’re teaching them that problems can be approached creatively, and that their input matters in finding answers.
3. See Things From Their Perspective
We spend so much time teaching our children empathy, especially empathy for their sibling with a disability. But empathy is a two-way street. When we practice seeing things from our typically developing children’s perspective, we model the very skill we’re asking them to develop. It also helps the whole family feel like a team rather than adversaries.
Pause and genuinely consider what life looks like through your child’s eyes. This doesn’t mean agreeing with every complaint or removing all boundaries. It means validating their experience before responding.
Try these empathy-building phrases:
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- “I can see why that feels unfair to you. Let me explain why we made this decision, and then I want to hear your ideas.”
- “You’re right—you do have to wait a lot while we’re at your brother’s appointments. That must be really boring.”
- “I understand you wish we could do more spontaneous things. The planning we need to do for your sister can feel frustrating.”
- “It makes sense that you’re angry about missing the party. This situation is hard for everyone.”
When children feel understood, they’re more likely to be flexible and cooperative. Empathy doesn’t solve every problem, but it creates an emotional environment where solutions become possible.
4. Practice Active Listening
As a parent, you’re juggling countless responsibilities. Between managing medications, attending therapy sessions, coordinating care, and meeting everyone’s basic needs, it’s easy for conversations to become transactional. But active listening and truly hearing what your child is saying builds trust and helps them feel valued.
Active listening is a skill that takes practice, but it doesn’t require hours. It requires presence in the moments you have together.
Key elements of active listening:
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- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of “Did you have a good day?” try “What was the best and worst part of your day?”
- Reflect back what you hear: “It sounds like you’re feeling left out when we spend weekends at therapy. Is that right?”
- Show genuine curiosity: “Tell me more about that. What made you feel that way?”
- Put down distractions: Even two minutes of phone-free, eye-contact conversation matters
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You don’t need to have all the answers or fix every problem immediately. Sometimes children just need to know that you care about their inner world and that their feelings matter to you.
These small steps may seem simple, but they can make a big difference in how your family supports one another. Sibling relationships are especially important in the disability community, and the care you put in now helps build trust, empathy, and lifelong problem-solving skills. Parenting through these challenges isn’t easy, and no one gets it perfect, but the fact that you’re trying already matters. Give yourself credit, choose one small step forward, and know that every effort you make helps all your children feel heard, valued, and connected.
