Invited Isn’t the Same as Included: Rethinking Holiday Belonging

November 16th is International Day for Tolerance. What does that mean? Simply, a day to focus on being kind to people who are different. But let’s be honest: no one wants to be “tolerated.”

With the holidays coming up, we want to take it to the next level and rethink what inclusion really looks like. An invitation is the first step, and people with disabilities should always be in the room. What gets overlooked is everything that has to happen after the invitation for someone to actually participate. Which barriers need extra attention?

“My brother was always invited in theory to summer youth activities with our church, but there were too many physical barriers for him to participate. If my parents couldn’t brainstorm accommodations or attend the event themselves to help him, it wasn’t safe for him to attend.” — Lexie (Sibling)

“There is always food or snacks at my church youth group activities. I’ve tried to advocate for myself again and again to help my leaders understand what I can and can’t eat with my diabetes. Every event I go to, even after advocating, there’s still nothing I can eat. They don’t care.” — Spencer (Sibling and Self-Advocate)

This is an issue every family and self-advocate in the disability community knows well, and it can bring up grief and frustration, especially during the holidays, when family, community, and holiday events all come at once.

When we think about inclusion beyond tolerance, the central question to ask ourselves is: “What could we change about the gathering instead of asking one person to change everything about themselves?”

An inclusive holiday gathering gives people choices about how they arrive, communicate, eat, participate, rest, and leave. The goal is belonging, not getting every guest to celebrate in exactly the same way.

A Ready-to-Send Text for Your Guests

Send this before you start planning:

We’d love to celebrate with you. Please let us know privately what would help you or your family participate comfortably, such as step-free access, seating, food arrangements, a quieter space, communication support, or a different arrival time. We’ll share the schedule and access details beforehand and be honest about what we can provide. You’re welcome to take breaks, bring support or familiar food, skip activities, or leave when you need to. Hugs and photos are always optional.

A Checklist for Hosts

Use this to plan your own events, or share it with other hosts to help advocate for your loved one.

1. Share the plan in advance

• Share the start time, approximate end time, and expected meal time.
• Outline major activities, such as gift exchanges, singing, games, or photos.
• Flag anything guests may want to anticipate: costumes, bells, amplified music, flashing decorations, or confetti.
• Offer a simple written or picture schedule, and photos of the entrance, gathering room, or bathroom if requested.
• Make it clear that arriving late, leaving early, or skipping an activity is welcome.

2. Describe the arrival

• Explain parking, drop-off options, steps, and the route inside.
• Tell guests about steep slopes, gravel, or uneven surfaces.
• Give accurate details rather than simply calling a home or venue “fully accessible.”

3. Check the entire route, not just the front door

• Walk the route from parking or drop-off to the entrance, and keep an accessible drop-off area open.
• Clear snow, ice, leaves, cords, and decorations from walkways, and provide good outdoor lighting.
• Keep indoor routes free of bags, shoes, gifts, and furniture, and keep them clear for the whole event, not just at arrival.
• If essential spaces can’t be reached safely, choose a different venue.
• Never treat carrying someone (or their wheelchair) over steps as a solution. Use properly installed access equipment, not improvised ramps.

4. Make seating, tables, and bathrooms usable

• Offer stable chairs, including some with arms and backs, even if the event is mostly standing.
• Leave space for wheelchair users alongside other guests rather than in a separate area, and never require someone to transfer out of their mobility device.
• Ask before moving a chair, wheelchair, walker, cane, or other aid.
• Keep food, drinks, and activities within reach, or offer help without taking over.
• Share bathroom limitations in advance, keep access clear, and don’t use the space for storage.
• Ask privately about changing or personal-care space when relevant. A baby-changing station doesn’t meet everyone’s needs.

5. Offer sensory choices

• Set up a quiet space away from music, kitchens, and busy conversation. Tell guests where it is before they need it, and keep it free of coat storage.
• Avoid flashing or strobing decorations and strongly scented candles, sprays, or diffusers.
• Reduce competing sounds from TVs, music, and noisy toys, and give notice before loud activities.
• Welcome headphones, ear defenders, sunglasses, comfort objects, and fidgets.
• Offer seating away from speakers and busy doorways, and allow movement or pacing where it’s safe.
• Treat breaks as ordinary, never as misbehavior, rejection of the host, or punishment.

6. Make affection, attention, and participation optional

• Don’t require hugs, kisses, handshakes, lap-sitting, or tickling. Offer alternatives like a wave, a spoken greeting, a nod, or a no-contact hello.
• Accept “no,” turning away, or any other expression of refusal, and never make gifts, dessert, or approval conditional on affection.
• Ask before taking photos, ask separately before posting them, and let guests decline group pictures.
• Don’t require eye contact as proof of attention or respect.
• Make games, prayers, songs, performances, and gift-opening optional, and offer ways to observe without joining.
• Let guests change their mind after agreeing to participate.
• Respect children’s boundaries as much as adults’.

7. Plan food access without pressure or guesswork

• Ask about allergies, dietary restrictions, food textures, and preferred foods in advance, and share the menu early.
• Keep ingredient labels or recipes handy, and ask potluck contributors to provide ingredient information.
• Be honest when you can’t verify ingredients or preparation conditions, and don’t promise “allergen-free” food you can’t support.
• Discuss cross-contact precautions directly with the guest or caregiver, use separate utensils and equipment as needed, and offer to set aside a separately prepared portion.
• Welcome guests bringing their own food without making them explain publicly.
• Never pressure anyone to “just try one bite,” and avoid comments on how much, how little, or how someone eats.
• Treat tube feeding and other feeding supports matter-of-factly, and ask about space or privacy preferences rather than assuming.

8. Build flexibility into activities and traditions

• Include choices that don’t depend on reading quickly, hearing lyrics, standing, or fine-motor skills.
• Explain game rules clearly, allow modified roles, and offer a noncompetitive option.
• Include adults with disabilities in adult conversations and activities.
• Don’t automatically assign siblings the role of helper.
• Ask before changing a tradition “for” someone. They may prefer a different adjustment.
• Keep inviting people, even after they’ve declined.

9. Welcome support people and service animals

• Include support people in seating and meal planning, and don’t assume an accompanying adult is available to supervise everyone else’s children.
• Keep routes and seating usable for service animal teams, and never separate a handler from their service animal for convenience.
• Identify an outdoor relief area, and keep household pets separated if needed.
• Remind guests not to pet, feed, call, or distract a service animal without permission.
• Ask before offering physical assistance or taking over a task.

10. Prepare for comfort, health, and the unexpected

• Name one host or staff member guests can contact discreetly.
• Keep exits and emergency routes clear, and make sure organizers know the venue’s emergency procedures.
• Offer a private space for personal care or medication, if requested.
• Ask privately whether a guest wants to share relevant emergency information, but never ask for their full medical history.
• Let guests leave quickly without a lengthy goodbye ritual.
• Have a backup plan if weather or an equipment problem makes access unsafe.

11. Set a respectful tone, and follow through

• Explain beforehand that breaks, different foods, communication tools, and flexible participation are welcome.
• Discourage comments like “You don’t look disabled” or “They just need more discipline.”
• Redirect intrusive questions so the guest isn’t left to educate everyone, and don’t make anyone’s support a topic of group conversation or a public announcement.
• Don’t praise basic inclusion as though the guest is a burden.
• If someone becomes distressed, reduce the audience and ask what would help. Never film or share it.
• Thank guests for attending without criticizing the length or style of their participation.
• Afterward, ask privately: “Was there anything we could change next time?” Then follow through on what you learn.

Tolerance asks us to put up with differences. Inclusion asks us to plan for it. This International Day for Tolerance, and all through the holiday season, we hope you’ll take that next step: go beyond the invitation and ask what it will actually take for each person to feel welcome.

Small choices like a quiet room, a menu shared early, an arrival time that’s flexible, or a hug that’s always optional can mean the difference between sitting on the sidelines and truly belonging. No one has to get every detail perfect, and the best way to start is simply to ask, listen, and follow through. Because no one wants to be tolerated. We all want to be celebrated, and that is what makes a holiday gathering feel like home.